With the wind whipping around my fragile body at 60mph, I frantically searched for the lone piton I’d packed as an emergency anchor, only this time it would be used as a different kind of anchor. Listening for the soothing ping, ping, ping, ping, pung of my Lost Arrow over the wail of the wind was impossible, but I finally seated the pin into what would be my lifeline for the next hour. Putting on what clothing I could, I lastly girthed myself into the newly pounded pin. As if to mock my finiteness in a sea of rock and ice, Gannett sneered at me from behind. She intended to teach me a lesson.

As I curled into the fetal position, I soon became alone with my thoughts. At first they screamed at me to be anywhere but where I was. A primal, heart-popping fear overcame my body as I began to shake uncontrollably – one recurring thought wormed its way onto my eyelids: this storm will kill you. No cliché; light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel or life flashing before my eyes.

Accepting death is much easier than I ever thought possible. In that moment, the soothing stillness of the abyss was most welcome. But crammed between two rocks was my Being – every thought, memory, experience…

A very wise man once told me that we are simply visitors to that strange land we call the mountains. The ones who survive here are the ones who raise themselves to meet the mountain. There are many old mountaineers, and there are many bold mountaineers, but there are few old, bold mountaineers. The latter part of that advice never quite stuck.

So, pinned to the wall at 13,000 feet, my body continued to strive toward the fleeting glimpse of life. Curled in a ball like a newborn, I felt the life slowly drain from my extremities. My mind raced between thoughts of giving up and the pint of ice cream I left in the freezer at home. I could feel my mind concentrating on nothing but keeping my vital organs alive. I knew, no matter how strong my will, that I couldn’t keep up the charade much longer.

Darkness crept in. I screamed, it laughed. I got angry, it felt no pity. I cried, it drowned me in my own inadequacy.

Just as fast as it all started, the light crept in and the darkness made a fleeting promise to be back soon. The sun ripped from behind the clouds and illuminated the area where I had laid, dying. I sat upright with my arms around my knees, mentally and physically unable to do anything except allow the life to flow back into my body.

Few get a glimpse into the Void. I don’t count myself lucky. A lucky man would have died in a heap of his own patheticness. No, I was taught a powerful lesson by an even more powerful teacher. Gannett taught me respect above all else. She led me down the rabbit hole and revealed to me a special kind of hell, a slow, painful suffering. She allowed me to climb back out and live to fight another day. She’s the one who made a mistake.


“Wondering if the sunshine will ever catch your eye.”
-Skinny Puppy, “Pedafly”

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Chapter Two Will be Different

Sometimes the motivation’s there. Sometimes you find yourself laying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering what happened to the person you were a week before. Tonight claims the latter. Cycling through my playlist of hate music, PiL drones from the speakers:

“This is the room I am in,
In them, I can see, the cell I’m in, the hell I’m in
The hell I’m in
And what it is I’m in, and what it is I am in”
     -‘The Room I Am In’, PiL

God? No, just Johnny Rotten. I’m in a hell I can’t escape. The words ring with so much truth it’s scary. But the truth lends itself to much introspection. I know what I must do. I must break through this stagnation. My mantra is this: stagnate and die. The darkness of night takes hold and slips me further into self-hatred. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I break through?
I know what I want. I want communion with the mountains, to become one with them – but I’m still not willing to break the bread and drink of the wine. My body feels broken; my knees explode with pain at every step. My body is screaming at me to stop, let me rest. But my mind needs me to keep going; the primal tug is ripping my soul in the opposite direction. That unseen tug keeps my tired body broken down to its basest elements. I must keep straining towards that next step. 

But tonight is different. That tug isn’t as strong. The cycle is familiar but still I hate myself for it. Have I finally had enough? Chapter One was beautiful, but Chapter Two… Four days of work are a “welcome” respite from the suffering.

It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make any god damn sense. How can the mind be so willing when the body is broken and abused? And still, it’s 10:52 PM and I have no idea where my life is headed. It’s all coming to a head. Pop it now before the cavity becomes infected.

And still, I lay in bed wallowing in self-loathing, hating every word I type because the truth seeps through the screen and burns my eyes. Why does the truth have to bury itself so deep into the soul. Maybe, I think, Chapter Two will be different.

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The European Female

I’m sorry, I can’t help but stare. I’ve seen you before but never like this. Why do you have to be so cruel?

“She said, the most evil thing, I can do, Is to give my body to you.”

-Public Image Ltd., “Cruel”

I only ever admire you from a distance, never allowed close enough to feel your touch. You’ve put up walls on every side so you don’t have to spill you secrets to strangers – I don’t blame you. Only those who take the time to court your hand are allowed inside. But I’m ready to give everything to you. All of my Being I offer to you – I’m ready to make the ultimate commitment. I think I’ll come over and introduce myself.

Why do you insist of being so cold? I’ve told you my intentions, let me in. I promise I mean you no harm. You don’t know it but I admire you from closer than you know. You’re in my thoughts and dreams. I take every possible chance to surround myself in your aura. They say they understand you but they don’t know you like I do. Grace and wrath, embodied. Your inviting outside hides the monstrosity many men worship. You play with the lives of unassuming men lured to you by the Siren’s call. You can never hide your icy heart from me.

Yet I’m in constant need of your company. You know I’m ready to give myself to you wholly – commit unwavering. You stand poised, mocking my every move and intention. What more must I do? Why won’t you fucking answer me?! I’ve made my move, I’m waiting for yours.

“The European female’s here, We’ll be together for a thousand years. And do you really fear, that you might fall?”

-The Stranglers, “European Female”

I don’t mean to get angry, I’m frustrated only by my own indecision. I must be patient and wait for you to be ready. It’s hard when I feel that time is running out. You stand forever while I’m in a state of constant decay. My frail body withers while you remain beautiful as ever. Don’t blame my very nature. 

Yet I sit and muse. Maybe some day I’ll find the courage to come and talk to you. Maybe, someday.


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Meeting About a Meeting

A funny thing happened today. As I was sitting in a 7 AM meeting for work, hearing my boss say, for the twelfth time, “What does everyone thing about this? Any thoughts?”, I wondered myself, what the hell does it matter what I think?
A workplace should not be a democracy; that’s not how progress gets made, how things get done. Someone has to make the hard decisions. Yeah it’s great to get everyone’s opinion, but not everyone has a valid (or logical) opinion to share.
Not everyone who works at a company should have the same say in decisions made for the welfare of the organization. I’m not paid a director or coordinator’s salary (or hourly pay), so I shouldn’t have the same say as my superiors do. If the decision being made has something to do with my area or expertise, by all means, ask me my opinion. I’m in my position for a reason. But holding a 7 AM meeting to ask every employee’s thoughts on organizational policy?

So, no, I don’t think there should be democracy in the workplace. Holding meetings are a passive-aggressive way of getting things done, but it seems to be a necessary evil in our capitalist, Western way of doing things.Let me know your thoughts…

“The least productive people are usually the ones who are most in favor of holding meetings.”

-Thomas Sowell

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Have Some Consideration

I want to start this with saying I DO NOT condone or advocate violent means of ending your life or the life of another. I like to make a point and rambling is often the way I make it. I would hope that if anyone who reads this is experiencing true suicidal thoughts, at the very least, to talk to someone. Oftentimes, talking openly to another human being gives those thoughts substance and lends a new perspective to a shitty situation. Please leave comments or feel free to contact me. Cheers.

   They all take this shit for granted. From the coffee sitting under my nose to the buildings they walk through every day. I don’t think anyone truly understands what others go through to make life as easy as fucking possible for you and I. You want to understand your coffee? Go to the cocoa plantations in South America and try to do those guys jobs for a day. Have some consideration for what you don’t understand.

   What really gets me is those of us complaining about our “first world problems”. You want reality? In the time it takes us to whine about the current state of wifi at our school, 3 children are sold into the child sex trafficking industry, 2 are raped and killed, and one is turned into a child soldier and will most likely be killed within the next 6 months.

   So spare me your yik yak rant and your 25 up votes. I don’t mean pick up and dedicate your life to ending sex trafficking.. The Buddhist approach to suffering goes something like this, and I paraphrase: as a Buddhist takes his/her vows, one of the vows is that you will not reach enlightenment until you end all suffering in the world. As if! However, adopt a more Zen Buddhist approach, and again, I paraphrase: do what you can to end the suffering in the world, because it’s foolish to believe one person can put an end to all suffering. 

   Life is suffering. You are born, you suffer, then you die. I often wonder about those who commit suicide. I in no way condone suicidal acts, but it is a way out. It’s a way to end suffering, and is honestly a quite rational thought. To clarify, I am a very un-depressed person. I love life and everything it entails. But imagine for a second, not worrying about bills, your health, food, water, shelter, etc… Imagine not dealing with all of those facets of life. Pretty blissful, huh? Well, that’s suicide.

   Like I said, I’m not condoning any type of suicidal behavior. I merely want to lend perspective to something we consider a mental disease. It’s not a mental disease. Schizophrenia is a mental disease. Contemplating suicide or having depressed thoughts is a normal part of human life. You have to decide for yourself what the right course of action is.

   Once when I was in high school, I took my dad’s .45 mag out of the gun case, loaded it, cocked the hammer and shoved the barrel in my mouth. I mean I tasted the iron on the barrel, felt the crosshairs grate against my teeth. The moments after were the clearest I’ve had in my life. When you’re that close to death, the mind works in quite fascinating ways. You face a twisted sort of Judgement Day; I was forced to relive fucked up moments of my life and watched, movie-like, as I executed these fucked up memories. You are forced to see what a shitty human being you are. Do not try this.

   But this ties back into the point I wanted to make: don’t get caught up in trivialities and “first world problems”. Figure out what constitutes your version of a decent human being and live your life accordingly. There’s already enough lying, cheating, stealing and killing. Why create more?

“Life? Bah! It has no value. Of cheap things it is the cheapest. Everywhere it goes begging. Nature spills it out with a lavish hand. Where there is room for one life, she sows a thousand lives, and it’s life eats life till the strongest and most piggish life is left.”

              –Wolf Larsen, “The Sea Wolf”

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   Evolution equals efficiency. Efficiency and movement means life. Stagnate and die.

   I’m disheartened by the wannabes, the ones who go out into the “mountains” with the end goal of an Instagram picture that will gather 100 likes. Some call it adventure, I call it natural selection.

   You know who you are. What have you gained from your experience? What life changing realization has your suffering brought? The outdoor industry has done a fantastic job of creating technology that attempts to bring the mountain down to our level. This false sense of security fosters an acceptance of failure and makes turning back easy. Commit yourself wholly or give nothing at all.

   Unfuck your mind and realize that fear is not real. There is no such thing as fear, only a mental construct that we preach to ourselves; self imposed limits that act as brakes to keep us from being swallowed by “reality”.

   Suffering leads us to self-discovery, and self-discovery leads us to pushing the brink of what is possible, both in our own minds and in the world around us. You don’t know what you’re made of until you’ve truly suffered for an end goal. I don’t mean stressing over a final or your girlfriend leaving you. I mean you’ve given every last molecule of your being over to something and have nothing left to give. It’s in these moments that enlightenment is reached. Your very fibre is tested and every motion you make is towards life. Movement is life.

   However, all of this is entirely personal. I don’t climb for anyone except myself. The very act of climbing anything is so selfish that it warrants no further discussion. You climb for yourself, and that’s it. The truth lay inside thyself and only within thyself shall you be free.

   You may ask, who’s this asshole to judge my experience? I don’t care. I can be that asshole and I will judge your experience. When you’ve cheapened your experience, you’ve cheated yourself out of possibility. 

   Don’t preach to me about living life. In my short years I’ve suffered at the hand of that which is far greater than myself. In the process, I’ve learned a great deal about who I am. I’ve stared myself in the mirror and not liked what I’ve seen. I’ve changed myself and still not liked what stared back at me. Always strive to become a better version of yourself, and don’t accept mediocrity. Reinvent yourself but don’t stagnate. Life is movement, movement is change, change is life.

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He felt free.

  Here’s a short story I wrote. Please let me know what you think! Cheers.

Joseph Matterly wasn’t a bad man, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or maybe he was bad. Either way, none of that mattered now. He was soon to pass to that ethereal plane.

  He felt remorseful but indifferent. Or was that contentment? No matter. In minutes he would hang, slaughtered like the fattened calf.

  Funny thing about life, he thought, how easily it’s extinguished. He gazed wistfully at the dirt. It was a lifeless, red-tinged clay. In his peripheral, he caught the stark contrast of a single blade of grass, protruding defiantly from the earth.

  He studied it. Against all odds, amidst trampling feet, amongst the shrieks and wails of the onlookers, the shoot persevered.

  In front of him, an Indian man, cut down in his prime, was being carted away. His lifeless hand dragged in the dirt, as if to cling once more to life. The very finality of ending a life is disheartening. But for the first time, he felt FREE.

“How can the real body ever die and be buried?”

                                          -Davis Meschke

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Just some thoughts.

I know this is a bit dark, but it’s raining here and I was bored in between classes! I have recently challenged myself to write short stories, whether it be my thoughts or an idea that pops into my head. It’s allowed me to really explore some of the darker (and lighter!) facets of human existence. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Why do we want the things we want? Sometimes I think we want things out of spite. To throw it in someone’s face and say, “I won.” But where does this get us — this endless one-upping? We’re told when we’re children that jealousy and covetry are petty emotions. Yet here we are.

Jealousy is a very basic human emotion, driven by our egos want of control. Many of the most ruthless, powerful leaders of the ancient world were driven to their genius (and madness) by ego — Caesar, Alexander the Great, Nero to name a few. There infamous leaders were driven to glory and their graves by wanting the unobtainable “more”.

It’s something that’s out of our control. no amount of meditation and self-help books will allow us to unconsciously let go and ignore the infatuations of the ego. We’re inherently selfish creature — let no one tell you differently. Our mind’s desires become our prisons, and our actions the jailor, is allowed to reach maturity.

We all suffer silently. Blindly, we turn our eyes and ears skyward and wait for the inspiration of a holy ghost. Blindly, we find meaning in the meaningless. It’s kind of sad really. We waste our precious time on beseeching the void to strike us with enough inspiration to get us through to the next wave of doubt.

I don’t presume to know whether there is or isn’t a god. I don’t see the use in agonizing over something we have no way of understanding. As of late, I find myself becomeing quite nihilistic. Though rejected by many, nihilism makes a lot of sense. It brings clarity to complicated decisions. In the end, what does it really matter? Seriously. What does it rally matter?

Yet there’s so much richness and enjoyment in life. You can go wherever, whenever. You can leave your wife, you can drive your car cross-country, you can tell your boss to fuck off. It’s your life. sack up and take some ownership. What’s stopping you from dropping everything and starting over?

We are truly free. Make that mean something.

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Check out my YouTube video here. Enjoy.



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The Hunan House

Recently, I’ve been on a Chinese food binge. I love Chinese food. There’s so many interesting flavors and combinations of meat, vegetables and sauces. In order to fulfill this quest for the best Chinese food in Valdosta, I started with the closest restaurant to my house, Hunan House.

But anyways, onto the meat of the review (see what I did there?).

With over 100 menu items, you’re sure to find something that suits whatever kind of taste you’re looking for.

Located in the shopping center across from Home Depot and Kohls, the Hunan House is run by a local family that obviously has lots of experience cooking the different dishes. I figured that in order to quench my thirst, I would just go through the menu and try everything. And that’s exactly what I did; it’s been an amazing ride!

Before we start, I am aware that many dishes that we Americans eat are not truly Chinese dishes. But I have been assured that curry is indeed common in some Chinese sub-cultures. A lot of the menu items offered are a blend of original Chinese flavors and flavors that are more acceptable to the American palate.

My favorite dish is no contest: the curry chicken. I’ve always loved spicy food and this dish is REALLY spicy. Tenderly cooked chicken is mixed perfectly with green peppers, snow peas, carrots and onions topped off with a thick, spicy curry sauce. You can see the flakes of curry in the sauce, a sign you’re eating some good stuff! It’s served with a side of sticky white rice. Infused is the taste of garlic, not over bearing but enough to be appreciated. The white rice soaks up the flavor if you’re inclined to mix the chicken with the rice.


The atmosphere, however, is something that is left to be desired. While the food is delicious, the restaurant is located in an aging, square building. The owners have decorated the place as well as could be expected and you can see the kitchen from the seating area. I believe this adds to the authenticity! When you walk in, you can smell whatever is cooking in the wok and sometimes changes your mind on what to order!

Most people who frequent this establishment come for the take-out; however, they offer a lunch buffet everyday at 11 a.m. and there are 6 or 7 tables for you to sit down and enjoy your meal. And for those of you worried about the MSG content of your food, the food here has ZERO.

Visit them online here.



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